Monday, September 19, 2011

Who am I?

God has been calling me to pursue music ministry for as long as I can remember, somehow I seem to always find an excuse to just kind of give up and be in the background. I tell myself I'm not good enough and i'm surely not qualified...

When Moses encountered God on the mountain in Exodus chapter 4 He had the same kind of experience, which i'm sure we can all relate to:

 10 But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”
 11 Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord12 Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”

God told me the same thing, "I made your voice, I'm giving you those songs, now go and do". And I said...OK. 

If there is one sin I am really good at, it would be the sin of comparison. I don't know if comparison would be the right word....but I'm definitely one to question God. A lot. When it comes to what God has planned for me, I've always known....the problem was, the older I got, the more conscious I got, not about what God can do with me, or through me, but I became aware of what was wrong with whatever it was I was about to do. God would give me an amazing song to write, however I wouldn't preform it because my voice wasn't as good as someone else's. At first this was a minor setback, but eventually, I quit doing things that God was asking me too because I was afraid, and I compared myself to people constantly. Recently I have been struggling with the direction God is taking me. I have been praying and feeling for a long time that God wants to take me out to music ministry again. This is great news, theoretically, however anytime I've tried on my own, i've felt like a failure because nothing has ever worked out. It was in that moment, in that sentence that I wrote down not too long ago that God said "Go out and proclaim my message" and then he said "and this time don't rely on yourself". 

This was a hard pill for me to swallow. I'm 31, I'm a single mom, and life is just..... well apparently too busy for God. Thats how I'm acting anyway, but thats not the real reason. The real reason I haven't been doing much with my ministry, is that I'm afraid, and being afraid is the best thing that has happened to me, because I have found that when I'm afraid, I have no choice but to rely solely on the power of God. 

As God was dealing with me this past week on the issue, something crazy happened. Wednesday night was rolling around, and praise and worship for that week just wasn't falling together. I had no clue what we were going to play, practice hadn't fallen through and I just wasn't feeling like doing anything. God had something in store however, because when my dad who is the youth minister told me that there was no game for the night and he needed me to be sure and do some music I knew God was going somewhere with it. I said a short silent prayer before youth, and as I was driving the 3 or 4 blocks to the Church from my house, God told me, I want you to let the kids rest, and I want you to play your own music for the kids....

WHAT? If there is anything that intimidates me, it is a group of 40 high school kids. But I decided this time, I would be obedient, I sat the kids down, plugged in no instruments, and just played 3 songs, me, my guitar and the Holy Spirit. One song I played fit in with the lesson, and I got some nice compliments, but the most amazing thing, is that God overwhelmed me with emotion, because I had done something afraid, and relied on Him. I didn't worry about how good my voice sounded, or if I hit a wrong chord on my guitar, I just basked in His glory and let Him do the work. 

God further confirmed what He had been telling me on Sunday when our pastor gave us new perspective on the story of Jonah. What stuck with me was that God called Jonah a 2nd time,....He won't ever give up on us. 

I'm officially going back into music ministry after a hiatus of many years. I may not play anymore than I normally do, but I'm doing it with a new perspective. I may travel, I may not, I may record, I may not, but if I know one thing....I'm terrified, I won't lie, but at the same time, I'm excited because I'd doing it with a new attitude and hopefully the right attitude, and the right motive. Instead of creating opportunity, I'm relying on God to send me where He needs me, not to where I want to go. I may not have the best voice, or the fastest fingers, but one thing I do have is the power of the Holy Spirit, and I can't wait to see what He does through me and the words He gives me. 

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